Today is one of those days when I don’t feel like doing anything. I mean it. Nothing.

I’ve got all the time in the world, and indeed, there are projects waiting for my attention, emails that need to be answered, an office that could use a cleaning, but no, I don’t feel up to the task. Not today.

I guess this stands in contrast to most of my days. I’m typically on the other end of the spectrum. Trying to fit way too much into one finite amount of time otherwise known as “a day.” But sometimes being a creative artist takes its toll on you. Sometimes having to be completely self-driven and self-motivated is just too much. Let me try to explain.

See, I work for myself. I am my own boss. I don’t have to report to anyone. I have no one to give me deadlines. No one to tell me I have to be on time or need to work late. I have no one to tell me that I can’t have two weeks of vacation instead of one. I can choose my hours. I can work in my pajamas if I want to. I can sleep away the morning and start at noon if I want to (but I never do).

So as you read this, you may find yourself envious. I mean, that’s a lot of freedom to have, right? And sure, it definitely has its advantages. But it also has its disadvantages. And here are just a few of the disadvantages of working by yourself in any creative field, mine specifically being writing and storytelling.

1. Working by yourself is lonely.

   I stare at a computer screen most of the day, trying to shape ideas into words. I live in my mind and when it comes time for a break or lunch time, there’s still no escaping my thoughts because I have no one to talk to. (Well, there is my dog, Blitzen, but he never talks back – so we’re still working on that.) When my husband gets through the door in the evening, I actually feel bad for him. He is practically pounced upon and forced to hear every one of my crazy, hair-brained creative ideas whether he’s in the mood or not. Why? Because I need feedback. . . which leads me to reason #2.

2. Working by yourself feels uncertain.

I can spend my entire day working on something and have no idea if I’m on the right track or not. Perhaps the hundreds of words that I have penned from sun up to sun down are incomprehensible to anyone but me, but I would never know because there’s no one here to tell me. I can’t pop my head into my co-worker’s cubicle or knock on the boss’ door and say, “Hey, would you mind taking a look at this?” I don’t care what they would say – whether it would be good, bad or indifferent, it would be welcome feedback! Feedback that would give me some measure of guidance! Feedback that I am desperately craving! Instead, I’m left to wonder from the first word to the last if I’m writing the next best-seller or nothing but worthless drivel for my eyes only. And in the course of a day, I will probably alternate between the two extremes at least a hundred different times. . . Which leads us to #3.

3) Working by yourself requires super-human degrees of self-motivation.

Ah the joys of a deadline! The beauty and loveliness of someone telling me what to do and when to do it. You may laugh, but what I wouldn’t give for some solid extrinsic motivators in my life! See, that’s why I enjoy writing magazine articles. Not only do I have a deadline and a desired word count, I have a topic to write about that has been pre-approved by the editor and in most cases, a projected date of publication. So much is so sure that it’s easy to motivate myself to get the project done. Now compare that to the experience of writing a book. I have no specific deadline or pre-determined word count. No pre-approval on theme and no guarantee that my words will ever find their way into print. And yet before me lies the arduous task of shaping my ideas, editing them time and time again, then sending out tons of emails and letters trying to find someone who is willing to give a shot to an unheard-of author like me. If that isn’t enough to kick your motivation in the teeth, I don’t know what is! That means that before I even begin some of my projects, I have a lot of demotivating factors to overcome. Now by and large, I consider myself an intrinsically-motivated person. (And if you aren’t one, then I certainly don’t recommend this for a career.) But the last six years have shown me that even the most intrinsically motivated-folks can reach a limit. The question is, what do you do when you hit that proverbial wall?

See, I have set my own internal deadlines. I have written my goals down on paper. And on the days I’m feeling motivated, this works like a charm and keeps me focused. But on the other days, I really wish there was someone standing over my shoulder saying, “You do know that’s due today, right?” Oh how I long for just a little of that extrinsic motivation that most of my friends have in their careers!

And then there’s a part of me that wonders if the lack of motivation I’m currently experiencing is a result of six solid years of pushing myself. Possibly pushing myself harder than I should have. Perhaps my creative mind is digging in its heels and saying, “No more! No more! Give us a rest!” And there is something to be said for that. Life has its seasons after all.

And so what do I do on the days that I don’t feel like doing anything? Laughably enough, I write about it! And that’s what you’re reading right now. Being a creative artist is not easy for the reasons I mentioned above and then some. I have penned these words on a difficult day in my journey as a creative artist. There are other days that I’m sure I could sing the praises of all things creative so that you would think there were nary a cloud in the sky. But that is for another day.

So I hope you won’t read this as a rant, but rather as an artist being honest about her daily struggles. And by all means, if you’ve experienced the same struggles, let me know that I’m not alone. And if you have found some solace in the storm, some modes of pushing through the difficult moments, I hope you will share them because I’m sure I’m not the only one who could use the inspiration.