This year has been a rather difficult one for me. I have faced some unexpected challenges and new responsibilities, and to be honest, I don’t feel that I’ve met them with a very Christ-like attitude. At least not on the inside. There has been anger, frustration, complaining, and a host of other not-so-nice emotions and attitudes that have welled up inside of me. And all the while, a constant inner struggle over whether or not any of my feelings are justified.

But then I see other people dealing gracefully, even joyfully, with much more difficult circumstances, much more demanding responsibilities than I, and I wonder, “What’s the matter with me? I should be able to handle this better. I’m a Christian after all! Shouldn’t I be counting it all joy?” I tell myself: “If you’re a Christian, you should gladly accept it. You should go through it with a smile. You should, you should, you should. . .”

But since I haven’t been able to do so (at least not with any consistency), my response has been to heap guilt upon myself and to spend most days feeling like I’m just a selfish, not-so-nice person. Then I am angry not only at the situation, but at myself for not being able to get a handle on it. I want to be better. I want to be the Super-Christian who rises above and displays a glowing testimony in the midst of great trials. But instead, I end up feeling like Paul in Romans 7 where he says,

 “I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. . .  Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?”

This week, I finally made a discovery. I discovered that I have been trying to be Super-Christian on my own. I have been squeezing into the tights, tying on the cape and attempting to get my selfish thoughts and feelings under control in my strength. And I have falsely believed that with enough effort on my part I could do it. However, after months of struggling, I now realize that that is not the case. No matter how hard I try, my efforts will always fall short because, indeed, I am sinful man. And now matter how much I may desire to be spirit, I am still bound up in flesh. So what’s the answer? . . .

In Paul’s words (continuing in Romans 7):

“Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”