“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6

His defiant teen-aged hands gripped the mattress seam as I attempted to pull him out of bed one Sunday morning. His strength now surpassed my mama strength and I was quickly losing the battle. But it was more than just a war of the wills between a teenage boy who stayed up too late on a Saturday night and his church-goin’ mama; it was a battle for his heart.

While he questioned God – His very existence – I thought I was losing him. His questioning caught me off guard and sent my head searching for all those right words that quickly disappeared behind mama-grief. As a parent, torn between guilt and anger, I felt betrayed by God.

You see, I understood God’s promise in Proverbs 22:6 to mean: train your child in God’s ways and he will walk in your faith without question, always. But the space between “train a child” and “when he is old” constitutes a life’s journey – a personal faith journey – and decades of growth and maturity.

As the months wore on and the struggle continued, I realized (through wise elders and prayer warriors) that in trying to make sense of our faith, my son was simply searching for his own; a faith he could own.

He rocked the very foundations of all we believed and taught him – it started out as a frightening experience for us both. He feared rejection from us, his peers, his sister, and his church. We feared losing our child – in the here and the hereafter. But with guidance, we found we could walk alongside one another through his faith journey.

Here’s what we learned:

1. Allow hard questions and don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.” DO research the answers together either through Bible study, reading books, getting wise counsel from pastors or family counselors.

2. Listen first. Talk last. Our children don’t want to be talked to, they want to be heard. When we listen first, we can hear their heart’s cries. Many times, their angry words are a byproduct of an outside situation or peer conversation or based on something a teacher taught. We need to hear them out before we talk them out.

3. Set them before Truth. While our children are still under age and under our roof, God commissions us to teach them His ways. Although they question His ways, he commands us to instill His truths inside their hearts (Deuteronomy 11:19) and also commands our children to honor their mother and father (Exodus 20:12). Do not allow your child to skip church “just because…”. We gave our son a choice of services (worship, Sunday School, or Youth Group). He chose Sunday worship service. While the rest of the family attended classes or worship band rehearsal, my husband used that time before worship services to address his hard questions.

4. Love unconditionally. Faith journeys sometimes show through tough behavior and rebellious physical appearances. Choose your battles wisely. Remember, hair grows, color is temporary and fashions change with their moods. Love them unconditionally. No. Matter. What.

5. Respect and Honor are uncompromisable. Respect and honor are a given – demanded of by God in the Ten Commandments – but they can be lost. As much as the Bible teaches our children to “honor your father and mother” it also instructs us parents to beware of exasperating our children (Ephesians 6:4). Live according to what you’re teaching. Kids want to follow you and believe what you believe but our actions must speak louder than our words. We exasperate our children when we send mixed messages.

6. Surround Yourselves in Prayer. There will be times you’re too exhausted or too angry to pray. Sometimes you might simply be speechless. When you’re fighting for your child’s heart, remember there’s a real Enemy prowling and small things can become big things very quickly. Form a team of prayer warriors within your community of faith who will regularly intercede for your and your family during this time. They don’t have to know the details, but just ask them to pray as God leads them. We were lucky to have a circle of older mothers who’d walked this road before us. They’re prayers sustained us.

7. Seek Counseling. Not all situations need counseling, but these battles can wear a marriage down and sometimes a child needs to talk to someone other than a parent. Pastors or youth ministers may be enough.

Today, we worship alongside our son and his family and it. is. sweet. Hang in there, sweet mama, as you fight for your baby’s heart. I know your struggle. Invite a trusted friend to pray you through the battles. God is faithful and He will see this through the end because He loves you…both of you.