Disciplining with Nonverbal Cues
Ever feel like you’re talking to a brick wall when it comes to disciplining your kids? Does it seem like nothing you say is heard or obeyed? Maybe it’s time to come up with a different discipline strategy. If you’re tired of saying the same things repeatedly, why not try silent discipline?
Start disciplining with nonverbal cues. Sit down with your children and talk honestly with them. Tell them you aren’t happy with how the disciplining has been going. Own up to the fact that you may not have been as respectful to them as you should have been, if that’s the case. Never mind that they may have been disrespectful to you, too. Apologize and ask their forgiveness. Tell them you’re willing to try a different way of discipline if they’ll be responsive to it. Explain that you’ll use nonverbal cues when you need them to do something differently. Let them help you decide what the cues will be. Here are a few suggestions:
Nonverbal Cue Translation
Hand on child’s arm You’re talking back, please stop
Shaking head No. That’s unacceptable. Make a different choice.
Index finger pointing up. Please wait. I’ll be right with you.
Hand up Stop
Index finger to lips Quiet
Hand on heart. I love you.
Thumbs up You’re doing great!
You may think those last two aren’t really corrective cues. But discipline is simply guiding behavior so that it aligns with your expectations. Giving positive reinforcement does that, sometimes more than correcting bad behavior. It reminds them how you want them to act and rewards their good behavior with your positive attention.
It may be that your child might like to have some nonverbal cues to use for you, too, such as:
Nonverbal Cue Translation
Hand on your arm when you’re talking to someone I need to say something.
Finger twirling in the air I have to go to the bathroom.
Tug on his ear I’m bored/I’m ready to go.
Hand cupped behind ear I didn’t hear you.
Many parents use standard American Sign Language with their children and find it to be useful, especially for nonverbal children. Using cues ratchets down tension. It keeps parents and kids from yelling at each other and it bonds you because you have a secret code no one else knows. There’s power in a loving touch. It conveys so much more than spoken words. Nonverbal cues work beautifully with some, but not all, children. So if you’re frustrated with verbal communication with your kids, try it! Even a slight diversion from the norm is a nice break for everyone and it may make your usual form of communication easier to hear if you return to it.
Do you use nonverbal communication or discipline with your children? What are your cues and how do they work?
I love this idea, Linda. Discipline has been on my mind lately because I sometimes feel like we are running in place, battling the same battles, and not making any progress. Perhaps it’s time for a change.
Thanks for your comment, Cheryl. Discipline is like a lot of things in life in that it’s easy to get in a rut, which often makes it less effective. Even if you try something different for a while, it makes a parent’s voice easier to hear. I also believe discipline should be respectful of the child. Obviously, they need to respect the parent as well, but so many times we shame or disrespect children when we discipline. Nonverbal cues diminish that possibility.
Great ideas! A lot can be said without words! This definitely appeals to the actor in me. And I love the idea of giving the children cues to use as well!
Thanks, Lindsay. Giving kids cues they can use helps them feel a bit of ownership with the whole process. And it makes it more fun! Thanks for your comment!
I love the non-verbal clues and wish I’d thought of something like this when my daughter was young. When she was ready to go she would step on my foot repeatedly. Your idea of pulling her own ear would have been much more pleasant and less embarrassing for me.
Janice, sounds like your daughter had some non-verbal cues of her own. Funny!