I’ve just come home from two wonderful weeks of travel and reunions – college, high school, family, and relatives – creating floods of things to reflect on for a long time. I see this as a huge plus in my life – opportunities to restore lost or broken relationships and to grow in self-confidence.

The part about growing in self-confidence is huge for me. I did not grow up with a healthy self-image. Before I was eight years old my family came to the conclusion that I was going to grow up to be just like my Aunt Maggie (name changed to protect the innocent). Aunt Maggie was the sister my father never appreciated, and that is putting it mildly. She was constantly ridiculed and laughed at, deemed as crazy, and merely tolerated when she came to visit. I don’t fully understand how I got tagged so early on, nor was I fully aware of the label at the time. I only once recall hearing my older brother tell me that I was going to grow up to be just like Aunt Maggie. But apparently it was common knowledge among my siblings. I believe this was the chief cause of my poor self-image. My sister tells me she heard my mother repeat it to her many times as we were growing up. Fortunately, I wasn’t tagged as the “black sheep” of the family – that was reserved for my brother. And my sister was tagged as the “crybaby.”

I am not sharing this information to vent or to rat on my family. Rather I share out of a deep felt passion to help others to avoid the pitfalls of negative labels that get unwittingly tagged on children at an early age, and which may in the long run become self-fulfilling prophecies. Although it grieves me to know that my parents allowed and even encouraged this kind of thinking during my childhood and throughout my whole life, I must also acknowledge that they too were a product of their own upbringing. They were both the youngest in their families, so they had no practice caring for younger siblings. Dad had his own “crazy aunt” to hear tales about and to laugh at, and apparently was not taught to value his siblings or he wouldn’t have carried his contempt for his sister throughout his adult life. Mom and her twin brother were the youngest by several years in a large family, and her father died when she was about eight, so she too had limited understanding of how to raise a family.

We hear a lot about dysfunctional families these days. But what do we do with this information? Do we turn it into an excuse to justify poor behavior and relationships, or do we look for constructive ways to break the cycle? There was obviously a pattern that has been passed on from one generation to another in my family. How do we break this cycle when it shows up in our families?

The answer to this question is way out of reach for this short blog post. Seek Christian counseling. One such option is through Celebrate Recovery which offers great help in overcoming bad relationships.

I will venture to offer a few starting points for breaking the cycle. One is to recognize the problem without condemning the persons who passed it on to you. Remember that they had their own problems growing up as well. Rather recognize the problem and resolve to break the chain. Do all you can to understand the problems through the eyes of grace, and resolve to break the cycle.

Another starting point is to resolve to eliminate any and all negative labeling that might otherwise come out of your mouth, whether it is directed towards others or towards yourself. Ephesians 4:29 says “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (NIV)

The most important of all starting points is prayer. Take your concerns to the Lord and spend time with him seeking his wisdom. Don’t try to go it alone. God promises to give us wisdom if we will ask (James 1:5-8). And give your expectations the gift of time. These problems didn’t pop up overnight, and they are likely to take years to overcome. So pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) and be persistent (Luke 18:1-8).

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