I shared in one of my earlier posts on foster care a little about my own family’s journey to foster care. Unlike many families who wait until their children are all grown up, or at least in their teens, our children were both under eight years of age when we first applied to be carers. The decision to welcome someone else’s child into our home was primarily an adult decision, but along each step of the way we involved our kids as was age appropriate and necessary.

Because foster care dramatically changes the structure and dynamics of a family there is always a large impact on biological children. It’s up to parents and agencies to work together to make sure existing children are as prepared as possible, and as supportive as possible, before the new arrival. Many foster care agencies will have rules about the placement of foster children within the existing birth order of the family, so as not to cause any more disruption or potential conflict than is necessary. When we were progressing through the application process, the agency we worked with at the time chose to meet with our children informally and in our home to talk with them about what fostering meant. We had many family discussions about why some children cannot live with their biological parents, and this raised much sadness from our kids but also helped them understand why we had chosen to foster. We also began to pray, as a family, and in individual conversations with each child as questions were raised, for the decision making process and for who-ever God would bring to our family. I believe that our children did feel included and valued in the decision to foster.

But caring for and including biological children in the fostering decision doesn’t end once the application to foster is approved, or even once a child has joined the family. Just as a family adjusts to the birth of a new baby, there will be ongoing adjustments needed when a foster child moves in, and this includes a safe and ongoing space for conversation. Whether a family is doing permanent or temporary care, both the children in care and the biological children will be growing in their understanding of what foster care means, and the implications of it. Contact visits may require a rejuggling of family schedules, may stir up difficult emotions in all children (fostered and biological) and raise difficult issues that need answering. If there are short-term orders, separation and farewelling will potentially be very difficult to navigate. If the care is more permanent in nature (say a child has court orders to be in care until the age of 18), ongoing birth family issues or behavioural problems of the new sibling may cause rifts and challenges as well as the normal clashes all siblings inevitably have. Biological children need to know their opinions count, their feelings matter and extra support or counselling, if required, should be made available to them.

Although the decision to foster may primarily be one made by the adults in the family, it’s worth considering and planning for the implications for everyone – including biological children – and praying with these issues in mind. In this way choosing to foster becomes a family decision in more ways than one.

Penny