The fall and winter months bring with them an increase in deaths, especially among the elderly. With recent natural disasters, COVID, and other illnesses, many children and their families are grieving. My family is among them. 

Watching my grandchildren’s responses reminded me we need to be sensitive to children’s grief, even while we deal with our own. 

What can we do to help children who have suffered the loss of a loved one?

Be Present

First, be present, but respect each child’s method of grieving. One of my grandchildren withdrew and spent a lot of time alone. Another wanted to talk – a lot. Another seemed completely confused about what to do.

Let grieving children know you are there for them whenever they need you. But only say you will be available if you mean it. They might need you when you’re busy, while you’re having an especially sad day, or even in the middle of the night. 

Be Proactive

Offer to read to the children or buy them some new books to read themselves. Some children will enjoy craft or activity books, while others would rather cuddle up with a good story.

Be cautious about giving children books about a person or animal that dies. Just as with adults, grieving children need time to heal as their numbness gives way to reality. Some children will not be ready for a book about grief for several months. 

At first, focus on books that present the good and beautiful in life. These can offer hope, joy, and peace. Entertaining and humorous books can help distract children from their pain and offer a respite from the sadness around them.

Be a Good Listener

Some children won’t want to discuss their feelings. Others will need to talk. They may need to talk now and have silence later. Be a good listener so you can discern the difference.

Kids might need comfort or reassurance. They might have questions they’re afraid to ask. Or they might simply need someone to allow them to voice their feelings. However, don’t share what children tell you unless you have their permission.

Be careful about discussing the disposal of the loved one’s belongings. Children might think it’s wrong to give those things away. They might feel like traitors accepting something owned by the deceased person. Use discernment.

Most of all, don’t expect children to bounce back soon after the death of a loved one. Just as with adults, something could trigger their grief months or years later. Allow them to grieve as they need to.

Be Gentle

Help children grieve by giving them permission to handle their pain in ways that work for them. You can offer this permission through your gentle actions and reactions, as well as through your words.

Sometimes children feel afraid to mention a deceased loved one. They might think it will hurt the spouse or parent of the one who died. Yet often, talking about the fun and funny times can bring comfort to these children and to others around them. 

If you are the person closest to the deceased, help children understand your boundaries at any given time. Let them know that your ability to handle your grief will fluctuate. 

Be Wise

Allow children to ask questions, but measure your answers. When it comes to pain, suffering, and death, children don’t need all the details. They need truth softened with gentleness. Protect their innocence whenever you can. 

Provide arts, crafts, or other items to help grieving children express their feelings creatively. Don’t push them. Just make the resources available.

Some children might prefer to express their feelings through an instrument or to write their thoughts in a journal. Unless they choose to share their creative grief with you, let them keep things private. No snooping allowed.

Be Understanding

Grief has no set pattern. Grieving children, like adults, can seem irrational, angry, hopeless, or depressed. Minutes later they could be laughing and enjoying the company of others. 

Grief can have physical effects as well as emotional ones. My grandchildren had trouble sleeping. Grieving persons may look fine, but they might feel exhausted or unwell. 

Be Joyful

Finally, be as joyful as you can while respecting children’s grief. They need help to understand they can make it without their loved one. Even though things won’t be the same, their lives can still be good, because God is good, and He loves them with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3).

© 2022 Jeanne Dennis

Jeanne Dennis is the award-winning author of several books, including Annabella’s Crown, a parable to help children understand about our relationship with God, whose love is unconditional. Visit her website here.

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