We all know people who are braggarts, pompous, or arrogant. Too much self-esteem, right? Not necessarily.

It may be the most obnoxious person we know is actually trying to hide a severe case of insecurity. On the other hand, maybe they really do have an over-inflated ego.

So how do we raise children with just the right amount of self-esteem? How do we know when we’re offering the right amount of praise…and the right kind of praise?

For the past several decades, the trend in child development circles has been to lavishly praise and reward children in the hopes of raising their self-esteem. High self-esteem has been thought to be a predictor of future success. On the flip side, to prevent low self-esteem, children are protected from disappointment and failure.

A recent study sheds new light on this sensitive topic. High self-esteem may predict future success, but the cause of the self-esteem may not be what we thought it was.

Labels such as smart, stupid, or pretty cause children to base their self-worth on things they can’t control. Telling your child they’re the smartest kid in class because they got an A on a test can backfire when they later learn they’re not smarter than all their peers. Relating their self-worth to the result may lead them to feel less valued if they study hard but their next grade is a B or C.

Better to praise them for their preparation in achieving that A, letting them know good study habits lay the groundwork for the kind of discipline that will help them succeed later in life.

On the other hand, protecting children from disappointment and failure can actually damage their self-esteem. Inflating their sense of self-worth won’t prepare them for the inevitable setbacks they will face in life.

Dr. James Dobson, psychologist and founder of Focus on the Family, notes, “Your child needs the setbacks and disappointments that come her way. How can she learn to cope with problems and frustrations if her early experiences are totally without trial?”

For example, if your son is benched because he plays poorly on his baseball team, it’s easy to commiserate with his anger. But that just encourages him to base his self-worth on performance. Instead, encourage him to focus on how he responds to adversity. He can respond in anger and develop a reputation as a sore loser or he can learn to encourage his teammates despite his own situation.

Parents can help their children find a balanced basis for their self-esteem by remembering to:

• teach our children that their worth comes from knowing Jesus sacrificed Himself for them. They are so valuable to God that He sent His Son to die on the cross so they could be part of His family.

• restrain our own competitive natures. We’ve all seen sports parents erupt over a call that went against their child’s team. It also happens in the academic world. In a situation where the difference in grade-point average between a valedictorian and salutatorian was 5/100s of a point, the father of the salutatorian threatened a lawsuit, explaining, “You don’t want your kid to be a loser.”

• praise our children for character qualities rather than physical qualities. Focus on inward beauty such as honesty and diligence rather than on outward beauty.

God can use even our failures to develop Christ-likeness in us – the ultimate goal of every Christian. Nothing is more praise-worthy than that!